- It was boring
- Too strict for me
- I didn't learn anything
- My parents made me
This is not one of those stories.
Yes, I grew up in the Catholic church. I loved the Catholic church, and to this day I hold so many aspects of this faith near and dear to my heart. Growing up in the Catholic church is easily defined as one of the building blocks of who I am as a person.
You see, I was devout. As I grew older this devotion grew, but was based solely in the Catholic faith, the traditions, the practices and the expectations. This misguided placement of devotion was not the fault of anyone within the church, not my parents, not society but it was my own. My heart and soul was seeking the fulfillment that only a personal relationship with our Father can provide. I sought to fill this hole by devoting myself to the Catholic church. When this emptiness grew I turned to the comforts of the world. Then back to the faith I knew, seemingly the only way to fill my heart.
I became a young mother, and ran back to the church bringing my sweet baby girl. In my heart I just KNEW that I was a lost cause, but this sweet baby, this precious little soul that saved me from myself, she would get it right! I just had to bring her to the church and the faith I had always known. Soon after I welcomed a sweet and round baby boy. My heart was so full. I had been blessed beyond measure and every direction I turned I saw signs of our Father's favor. But that void, that lack of fulfillment in my soul? It was growing. A life of constant conflict. Obviously, He loved me and I loved being so loved! Just as a recipient of flowers from a secret admirer seeks to know the one who sends their affections, I sought The One who loved me. I needed to love Him back!
As with so many of us, the world got in my way. I consumed myself and my family with keeping up with the ways of the world. As my children grew and my blessings multiplied that emptiness that had lived within me began to leak out. I began to see it in my children. Particularly, I saw it in that sweet soul that had saved me from myself more times than I deserved. Her spirit was so sweet, so bright. Yet, even before middle school the world sought to sour her spirit and dull her sparkle.
When did it begin to change? Sitting at my sweet and (still) round baby boy's flag-football game, a fellow football mom turned to me and said "Do you go to church?" Immediately I responded "Well, I grew up in the Catholic church....." As if she could see that emptiness consuming me, she gently responded "Me too, but I no longer attend, and that's okay. Let me tell you my story" Her testimony was filled with the trials that throw us down on to our faces and the triumphs that lift us safely into His arms. The clincher, the light-bulb moment for me? The grace she experienced between the trials and the triumphs, that is where we fill our souls with Him. I don't remember saying much but when she invited me to attend her church I heard a little voice squealing with delight "I WANT TO GO TO CHURCH!!!!!" While that voice easily could have come from the depths of my soul, it was actually my daughter. At 6 years old she WANTED TO GO TO CHURCH!
We went to church. I vowed to myself to let my children's journey in seeking a relationship with our Father guide our church going decisions. We visited many times. A dear friend invited us to her church to witness her son's baptism. From the moment we walked into the doors of Westview Baptist church I felt something stirring inside of me. Perhaps it was all of the sincere and warm hugs from people that only knew one thing about me: they didn't know me. They wanted to know me. It was Him, our Lord knew me and He wanted me to know Him. Following the lead of my sweet children we joined this church and made it our home. This past Spring, during a Revival service, no one in the room could have held my little girl back if they had wanted to. She heard His message and she had to let Him in! She declared in front of a church full of teenagers and adults that she had accepted Jesus Christ as her savior. That spirit and that sparkle was on full display and has not dimmed since.
Knowing that it was my duty to guide her and my son in their walk I began to seek more time with Him. I can not and will not tell you that I am perfect in my walk and my relationship with our Father. I fail Him daily, sometimes multiple times a day. Yet His love, His blessings and His will for me as a daughter, wife, mother, sister, friend and child of God wrap me up every single time and fill my emptiness.
I did not leave the Catholic church angry. Not filled with disgust. Not filled with any ill memory. When I found my emptiness being filled, it just didn't happen to be in the Catholic church. Making such a declaration can be scary. But I walk in the shield of His love, and the judgement of others simply won't penetrate that armor.
